Welcome to Effective Altruism (A Poem)

Excuse me sir! Could I interest you in a list of the most cost effective global health charities?

Oh, and while you’re looking over that, consider donating to support shrimp welfare, the rights of some quintillion future simulated beings, and research into philosophy of mind intended to prevent the destruction of humanity by an AI designed to assist in the production of paperclips.

Welcome to effective altruism!

We’re glad you came to peruse our wares

We didn't mean to give you a scare

We just meant to say, if you really cared

You’d take a closer look

We hear you’ve been helping out the needy

But perhaps you’re being a little bit greedy

Buying a fuzzy feeling or personal treaty

Granting you freedom from guilt

Isn’t it better to do good the best?

Get the facts and guesstimate the rest

Put your ethics to the ultimate test

And do whatever it takes

Push that man in front of the trolley

Steal all the organs and by golly

Don’t let anyone tell you it’s folly

To justify such means

It's high time to maximize utility

Preventing the end may betray its futility

But if you come with me we’ll find your suitability

For helping us out while you can

But really, from a suffering-focused, non-speciesist perspective, the end of all life on earth might actually be a good th—

Wait, where’d you go?