Excuse me sir! Could I interest you in a list of the most cost effective global health charities?
Oh, and while you’re looking over that, consider donating to support shrimp welfare, the rights of some quintillion future simulated beings, and research into philosophy of mind intended to prevent the destruction of humanity by an AI designed to assist in the production of paperclips.
Welcome to effective altruism!
We’re glad you came to peruse our wares
We didn't mean to give you a scare
We just meant to say, if you really cared
You’d take a closer look
We hear you’ve been helping out the needy
But perhaps you’re being a little bit greedy
Buying a fuzzy feeling or personal treaty
Granting you freedom from guilt
Isn’t it better to do good the best?
Get the facts and guesstimate the rest
Put your ethics to the ultimate test
And do whatever it takes
Push that man in front of the trolley
Steal all the organs and by golly
Don’t let anyone tell you it’s folly
To justify such means
It's high time to maximize utility
Preventing the end may betray its futility
But if you come with me we’ll find your suitability
For helping us out while you can
But really, from a suffering-focused, non-speciesist perspective, the end of all life on earth might actually be a good th—
Wait, where’d you go?