The case for nuclear welfare

Epistemic Status: Confident, as many years of on-field research have been sunk into this post. Patent almost finalized, just awaiting a substantial grant from an anonymous donor to bribe the same office they work for.
CW:  Contains graphic descriptions of biofouling.

Nuclear security thus far has been focused on the implementation of policies designed to remove nukes around the planet.

Too often, we ask ourselves the question where are the nukes? Thus far, very little effort has been put into asking how are the nukes?
 

CBS' 60 Minutes did a bold and wonderfully insightful exposé titled 'Who's Minding the Nukes?', and in it, we can see the vast extent of broken blast doors, rust build-up and biofouling, which is the deposition of algae, barnacles and on the warhead itself.

This biofuling has been a serious stall for nuclear security discussions, as Interpol's Most Wanted Patrick Star has been alleged to have make himself quite comfortable on the surfaces of these warheads. 

Clearly, this neglect has serious reprocutions for the whole nuclear security scene, how can anyone expect to make policy when nobody even wants to maintain them? 

 Nukes have gotten less sexy in the past couple of decades. AI safety advocates have their server farms looking all sleek and futur, while the nukes are stuck in the rust. We are losing the real race  because our of the sea urchin homelessness crisis.

Introducing, Nuke Daddy. 

Using an innovative, patent-nearly-almost-finalised-just-really-need-that-grant-money design that can reach all nooks and crannies and be used during all stages of the launch cycle, thanks to it responding very well to changes in temperature.

• Usability: Easy to grasp, once you've taken a quick course at Xavier's School.
• Scalability: The Nuke Daddy can be produced cheaply and efficiently in sweatshops across the world, ensuring a remarkably low cost per QALY^[1].
• Dual Use: By making warheads shiny and aesthetically flawless, Nuke Daddy subconsciously convince other countries to look into developing their own nuclear capabilities. More nukes = more total addressable work for the nuclear security community. Win-win.

1. ^{^}

   QALY - Quality-Adjusted Launch Year, which refers to the quality of the warhead's life per year it is waiting to be launched, calculated via direct questioning.