From Clickhole, a project of The Onion now owned by Cards Against Humanity:
Hero: When This Man Heard That A Handful Of People Are Crushed Each Year From Vending Machines Tipping Over, He Decided To Hold Out For A Bigger Problem To Address
Okay, now this is going to make you feel good.
He may not be a household name, but Brian Hunter of Houston, Texas, is as big a hero as you’ll ever meet. When Brian found out that a handful of people are crushed to death each year when vending machines tip over onto them, this selfless warrior chose to hold out for a bigger problem to address.
Truly inspiring!
Instead of assuming countless responsibilities in support of vending machine safety, Brian boldly decided to keep looking for a more pressing issue. It was an easy decision for Brian, who, after being informed that vending-machine-related accidents kill an average of around two to three people per year, concluded that his calling in life was still yet to be determined.
Clickhole is in fact no longer owned by The Onion! It was bought by the Cards Against Humanity team in early 2020. (link)
I also consider their famous article Heartbreaking: The Worst Person You Know Just Made A Great Point an enormous contribution to the epistemic habits of the internet.
Wow, big news! I've made the necessary correction and changed the title.