a project of The Onion now owned by Cards Against Humanity:
Hero: When This Man Heard That A Handful Of People Are Crushed Each Year From Vending Machines Tipping Over, He Decided To Hold Out For A Bigger Problem To Address
Okay, now this is going to make you feel good.
He may not be a household name, but Brian Hunter of Houston, Texas, is as big a hero as you’ll ever meet. When Brian found out that a handful of people are crushed to death each year when vending machines tip over onto them, this selfless warrior chose to hold out for a bigger problem to address.
Instead of assuming countless responsibilities in support of vending machine safety, Brian boldly decided to keep looking for a more pressing issue. It was an easy decision for Brian, who, after being informed that vending-machine-related accidents kill an average of around two to three people per year, concluded that his calling in life was still yet to be determined.