I joined the community in about [redacted to protect anonymity] or so when I joined [redacted]. Since then I have been at various times:
- an EA group organizer
- an EA conference attendee
- in dysfunctional romantic relationships with people in and around this community
- in mutually beneficial friendships with people in and around this community
- employed in a vaguely aligned role
I am currently:
- unemployed
- severely depressed
- experiencing suicidal and homicidal ideation
- about one month away from being out of money
- overwhelmed by the pressure of EA itself
- did I mention that EA is pressuring?
Also in case you were wondering for demographic purposes, I am:
- between 25 and 29
- identify as male (obviously, women aren't this cringe)
- sexual orientation is "prefer not to say"
- ethnicity is "mixed"
- I live in an English speaking country (!)
I feel like I can't go on for much longer and I've been talking about my """theoretical""" suicidal plans with more frequency and with more people. Today I talked about what I would put in a suicide note to someone which feels like a new level for me. Consider this note as part of "getting my affairs in order" as it's called in the suicidology literature.
Please don't send me the usual links to suicide hotlines like I already don't have all that information. It just comes across as shallow and lacking real human connection. Also don't send me that goddamn lesswrong post about dealing with a crisis, or the nate soares post about half assing it with all you've got. If you're going to respond I kindly ask that you just write your own material.
I really do believe that putting this kind of content on the forum serves a purpose which is to let people know that they aren't the only ones out there having a hard time. If you're reading this right now and relate to anything I've said then just know that right now, in this moment, our neurons are connected through this wonderful medium called the internet.
For the rest of you, keep trying hard to save the world I guess. I'll be back when I can open my mouth without immediately being problematic.
I'm really sorry to hear that you're experiencing suicidal ideation. Based on your post, I'm feeling concerned that you might carry out your """theoretical""" suicide plans. If my impression is correct, I ask that you take proactive action to mitigate that risk – for yourself, and for the world. That said, I want to say that you don't have to do everything you could to improve the world – take care of yourself.
Here are some questions I have:
If you're running out of money, you might want to consider applying for funding from the EA Infrastructure Fund so that you have the funds necessary for mental health support. You can email Michelle Hutchinson if you want to inquire about it before applying. (Despite what the website says, the EA Infrastructure Fund does not have a balance of $0.)
Feel free to schedule a call with me if you want support with anything – we don't have to talk about anything EA-related. Or you can message me on the EA Forum.
If you're disengaging from the EA community, please ensure that you stay in touch with friends and family.
If what I've written isn't relevant for you, I'm sorry about that, and I wish you all the best.
I'm really sorry things are so bad. PMing you
Really sorry to hear that. I support your decision to take a break from the EA community and appreciate you for taking some time for yourself and for framing this as a "break" rather than something more permanent.
I also appreciate that you wrote this publicly, and I'd be interested in any further details that you may wish to share. It seems like many people get burned out of EA even though the community does seem to put a lot of thought and energy into it.
Hi - it sounds like you're going through a really tough time, both psychologically and fiscally. I'm not sure if I can be of any help with the latter but if it might help to talk to a stranger about how you feel (I've always felt more open talking to random internet people), please feel free to find a time to chat with me.
I hope things get better and I hope to one day see you back in the community, to know that you're doing okay - but! If you never come back and if that is better for you, then I hope I don't see you again here.
Hi there - I wanted to offer to be another person for you to talk to if you've already spoken to all the other nice people that have left comments. I'm no expert, but I will listen! (You can message me on here)
Okay, so this looks pretty familiar from the perspective of someone who was banned from LessWrong for being both concise and direct about my religious beliefs, and also deeply irritated with how negative karma works. I don't mind being praised inarticulately, but shunning and criticism are not good synonyms for each other.
Secondly, Effective Altruism as a forum is a bunch of people who have built their collective identity around Doing Good. This is not a bad thing, but burning the candle at both ends leads to burnout, and self-care is very much a Good thing. "Love thy neighbor as thyself." Not more, not less, and not even quite the same way, but the same amount. Love in absolutes.
You have permission to hate things. You have permission to dislike things. You have permission to be spiteful and vindictive and cranky, if that's what it takes to enforce your boundaries. This world is mortal; you do not owe it your soul.
But. You also have permission to forgive. To remember, and reframe, and refocus, and realize, and repent, and rejoice in that act of self-improvement. And to forget your hurts, except when you want to want to wear them.
Why do people drink alcohol, if not to mourn? So it is with sorrowful memories. Put the cup down, go home, take a shower, hug yourself, take up a tactile hobby like wrestling or origami or barefoot hiking, eat food when you're hungry, drink water when you're thirsty, sleep when you're tired. Take joy in all the gifts your Heavenly Father has given you - including those sorrows, if you like!
Count your many blessings; every doubt will fly away. You are not inherently evil, nor are you particularly incompetent. There are others to bear the load while you rest.
:)