Moral dilemma

I'm relieved to hear that you have the self-insight and wisdom required to seek help and I am still concerned about you.

What I think I have heard you say is that you're in treatment for OCD and generalized anxiety disorder, have been prescribed an antidepressant to decrease obsessive thoughts, and have been feeling tormented and experiencing psychological distress for 3-4 weeks due to preoccupation with certain worries related to major concepts like right vs. wrong, your own potential role in influencing whether people to Hell, and fanaticism. I think you've discussed these issues with family members but not felt that responses were satisfactory. I also heard you express a sentiment that when you think about a need to focus on your well-being  you feel selfish, that you are struggling with trusting your own reasoning, that on a daily basis, you consider not taking your medication due to fear that you will stop thinking about these important issues, and that you have a voice in your head taunting you or telling you that you are being irrational. Is that right? 

That sounds incredibly painful and I am so incredible sorry you are experiencing this. From my past experiences working with individuals struggling with OCD, anxiety, and other ailments and from hearing you describe your current situation, I imagine contending with the concepts you feel preoccupied by may be exacerbating your struggles. 

I wish I could be more helpful than just giving you informal advice over the internet, but unfortunately, this is the situation. And the best informal advice I can give is as follows:

First and foremost, if you are having thoughts of harming yourself or others, please look at this resource and contact a helpline here:  https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/

Next, please reach out to your psychiatrist today.  If you have not shared the information you posted here in both your original and your subsequent post with your psychiatrist recently or in such plain terms, please do. If you are uncomfortable with directly sharing the posts or verbalizing the information, feel free to share my attempt at surmising what you've shared at the top of this message, assuming it accurately reflects your experience. I am concerned  about you and am reasonably confident that a psychiatrist would: 

a) Re-evaluate their recommendations and potentially revise your treatment plan 

     and/or 

b) Review the medication you are on, specifically:  i) whether it is necessary to take it consistently every day (as is the case with many antidepressants, e.g. many SSRI , SNRIs can lead to adverse symptoms if taken inconsistently or if abruptly stopped);  ii) the amount of time typically required before the medication begins to work iii) evaluate whether you might be experiencing an adverse response, as occasionally happens and in which case there is likely a better alternative more suitable to you ( in which case it still may be dangerous to abruptly stop the medication you are currently taking, but your psychiatrist should advise you on anything related to taking or stopping medication). 

To reiterate, if you decide to take this informal advice, I would ask you to first reaching out to a call center if you are having thoughts about hurting yourself or others https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/  and next  call your psychiatrist's office to set up an appointment, conveying the level of urgency you express in your posts. If the offices are closed today,  I would encourage you to leave a voicemail if you can and send a  secure message, expressing that you are struggling and need to be seen. In either case, I think printing out your posts and bringing them to a visit (if in-person), or attaching them via secure messaging will likely result in a higher level of care and lead to the best outcome.

At this moment, the best outcome, both for you and for everyone you might be able to help eventually, is for you to get back to a place where you are sleeping and functioning normally. Without that, your brain can't really contend with these important issues you mention without short circuiting, which sounds to me like what you are describing. Taking care of you is not selfish, and it sounds like it is pretty necessary right now. 

Please consider. 

Thanks again for reaching out. 

I know that people presenting Pascal's wager usually claim that the utility of being accepted to their favorite heaven or their least favorite hell is infinite--but I don't think it is. But we'll leave that aside, because as you point out other people believe that the utility of heaven is infinite and I could be mistaken.

(For the counter-argument that two people going to hell is worse than one, I would tend to think of it as some infinities being greater than others (as in mathematics).)

If different infinities are allowed to be better or worse than each other, than you shouldn't need to worry about heaven or hell! You should be focused on maximizing your odds of infinite utility by doing the things most likely to lead to such a state.

The odds of any given religion being true is very, very small. Especially considering that they are all logically inconsistent. The odds of me being an extraterrestrial being of phenomenal power, able to create heavens and hells, is substantially higher than Sunni Islam or the Church of England having the right of things. Because at least the idea isn't logically impossible. So making me happy with you is more important than abiding by the laws of any earthly religion. The chance of you being yourself an omnipotent alien who'll come into your power once you feel less tormented is larger than the odds of an earthly religion being true--because while it's a silly idea with no evidence backing it and the entire edifice of science flatly refuting it, at least it doesn't contradict itself.

But now that we're focusing on maximizing our odds of getting infinite utility, there are even more promising prospects than supposing impossible things about strangers or ourselves. The odds of future humans reversing entropy (or finding a way to make infinite computations using finite resources, or any other solution given trillions of years to think about it) is much higher than the odds of any of Earth's religions being true. So if we take that view, the most important thing one can do is maximize the odds of human civilization surviving and maximizing the daily positive utility of that future civilization.