Found this profound contemporary testimony from 2023, archiving how EA used to be at its peak. Read on and rejoice.
It was a regular Friday afternoon on planet earth.
The birds were chirping, children were drowning in ponds and Bella was jogging (because it was so big, and because she calculated it would increase her longevity) through the empty corridors of the even emptier castle.
All of the sudden she heard a noise.
She stopped.
Long-trained Pavlovian instincts made her mouth water - it was the sound of meal replacement packaging being opened.
She stood for a while. Was that Huel?
No, those packages have softer cardboard.
This was Yfood.
Her jogging transformed into a sprint. She could feel the resistance of the air carefully caressing her cheek.
Her vision was clouded with desire when suddenly she could feel herself crashing into Draco.
The two strangers stood staring at each other for a moment after colliding. He was wearing a form-fitting pitch black Huel t-shirt, elegantly combined with skinny jeans and blue running shoes and the hair of someone too busy maximizing utililty to invest in a hair brush.
A Yfood package was half empty on a nearby table. His bag was overflowing with little shampoo bottles, covid tests and copies of What We Owe the Future.
Confronted with this blatant example of tragedy of the commons, she stared at him questioningly.
„Uuuuuuh“, he stammered and started lecturing her about how the marginal utiity of him consuming these clearly abandonded goods is higher than the expected value of maintaining the pro-social equilibrium. „Also, I’m saving the world here, so get off my back“, he said, shrugging.
„Let’s do a BOTEC“, said Bella.
He lifted his eyebrows in subtle surprise and his mouth turned into a half-smirk. Bella thought she could see his pupils widening as a sign of physical arousal – but it could’ve also been the change in light.
They turned to one of the many whiteboards in the room and attacked it with logic and reason. After filling it for 3 hours, Bella pointed triumphantly at the last line, and looked at Draco, who had a resigned look on his face.
„Well?“ Bella asked.
„Looks like I I have to make a Bayesian update...“, Draco admitted butthurtedly.
It was at this point that Bella realised she hadn’t even caught the name of this mysterious, average looking stranger with the pitch black huel shirt.
Bella looked at his nametag. „Draco - EARFRPRR speaker“. Speaker? She sucked in a sharp breath, clearly impressed.
Draco saw the direction of her gaze, and smirked again - this time a three-quarter smirk. „My parents named me after the HPMOR character“, he said, trying to sound nonchalant but failing.
„Oh wow, we’re so similar!“, Bella said. „My group house is called Malfoy Manor. By the way, do you know why there’s no one else here at the EA Retreat For Retreat-Planning-Retreat Runners?“
„Oh, EARFRPRR was cancelled because of ... the crash that must not be named.“
„FTX?“ Bella asked.
Draco clasped a hand over her mouth and almost broke her nose.
„SHHWHHSHHSHS“
„Sorry“, Bella tried to say, but her mouth was still covered by a sticky hand smelling like salted caramel, which is why her words came out muffled. She didn’t know what to do, but then remembered the explore-exploit tradeoff.
She decided to explore.
Her tongue pistoled out of her mouth in a licking motion.
Surprised, but weirdly aroused by this confident display of #agency, he quickly mentally reviewed his utility function and the lessons from the latest consent workshop (apparently, the CFAR consent workshop doubles your consensuality) and decided on a course of action.
„Let me check the EARFRPRR schedule.“
He pulled out an old grocery list out of his pocket.
„Aaah yes... I think there’s supposed to be a cuddle pile right about now!“
Bella saw right through this clumsy attempt at smootheness, and not only because the paper was partially transparent.
„I’m a 7 for cuddling, but I’m concerned with the opportunity cost of this hedonistic endeavour.“
„What do you mean?“, Draco asked nervously.
„Let’s do a thought experiment.“
At the word 'thought experiment' Draco's eyes lit up and his saliva production increased significantly. He looked like a little dog on christmas eve, it was honestly pathetic.
Thought Bella.
„Okay so imagine we're cuddling under a tree-“
„... yeah...?“ Draco asked expectantly.
„-but the tree is near a water feature-“
„... yesss...?“ Draco asked breathlessly.
„-and there's a cute little child drowning in the water feature.
Would it not be monstrous to keep cuddling while we could prevent this negative utility?“
„Of course“, Draco said earnestly. „I'd jump right in, head firts, even if it meant ruining my Huel t-shirt.“
„Right. But there are actually children drowning and starving and stuff, all the time while we'd be cuddling! So how could we possibly be so egoistic, Draco??“
„Right...“, Draco said, not seeing a way out of this compelling, yet repugnant conclusion.
„On the other hand“, Bella continued thoughtfully, „maybe cuddling would increase our future productivity by enough to offset the time and resources spent on it.“
„Right“, Draco said. „Like this castle!“
„Like this castle.“, Bella said agreeingly. „EAs are too theoretical anyway. Maybe we should get some empirical evidence...“, she said suggestively.
„I'm not sure if that's actually true“, Draco said nerd-snipedly. „Empirical evidence is really important, but you don't always have the luxury of obtaining it and instead have to reason under uncertainty without much evidence. For important uncertain things, sometimes developing the theoretical framework is more neglected.“
Bella bit back her scathing criticism of this point and its overly complicated phrasing (to be released later as a 10k-word EA Forum post), and instead said in a purring voice: „Oh yeah that's a really interesting point. I'd love to discuss the epistemic status of that and I imagine this to be even more effective while benefiting from stress-relieving hormones of the type produced for example by...cuddling!“
„I could then also tell you some of my hot takes“, she added.
Not able to resist at the mention of hot takes, Draco nodded overenthusiastically.
„Where do you want to do it?“, the EA minority asked.
„Idk...“, Draco said, „We could look at all the possibilites and then come to an informed decision?“
„That doesn't sound efficient“, she noted
„But very effective.“, he noted.
They shared a knowing laugh.
Then they started walking around the castle.
After 5 hours they were overcome by decision fatigue (it was a big workshop facility, but still sooooo much cheaper than renting a place) and decided to just build a bed out of the cozy soft cover copies of Doing Good Better.
They cuddled.
Then 3 minutes in they got into a heated discussion about the role of empiricism in cause prioritisation.
„Okay, I need to refer to my Obsidian notes“, Draco said, right about to pull out his Macbook.
Suddenly Bella stiffened in his arms.
Draco, despite his obliviousness, noticed this. „What's wrong?“
Bella said nothing, staring off into space. A silent single tear rolled down her cheek.
„Bella?“
„I ... I...I thought there could have been something here“, Bella whispered desperately.
„Oh no“, Draco said in growing realization. „Do you - do you use ...“ He couldn't even say the word.
„I use Notion.“, Bella said, grave as a funeral grave.
Draco pulled back abruptly, almost dislocating her right arm in the process, and stared at her in horror from across the room.
At the word ‚thought experiment‘ Draco’s eyes lit up and his saliva production increased significantly. He looked like a little dog on christmas eve, it was honestly pathetic.
Thought Bella.
„Okay so imagine we’re cuddling under a tree-„
„... yeah...?“ Draco asked expectantly.
„-but the tree is near a water feature-„
„... yesss...?“ Draco asked breathlessly.
„-and there’s a cute little child drowning in the water feature.
Would it not be monstrous to keep cuddling while we could prevent this negative utility?“
„Of course“, Draco said earnestly. „I’d jump right in, head firts, even if it meant ruining my Huel t-shirt.“
„Right. But there are actually children drowning and starving and stuff, all the time while we’d be cuddling! So how could we possibly be so egoistic, Draco??“
„Right...“, Draco said, not seeing a way out of this compelling, yet repugnant conclusion.
„On the other hand“, Bella continued thoughtfully, „maybe cuddling would increase our future productivity by enough to offset the time and resources spent on it.“
„Right“, Draco said. „Like this castle!“
„Like this castle.“, Bella said agreeingly. „EAs are too theoretical anyway. Maybe we should get some empirical evidence...“, she said suggestively.
„I’m not sure if that’s actually true“, Draco said nerd-snipedly. „Empirical evidence is really important, but you don’t always have the luxury of obtaining it and instead have to reason under uncertainty without much evidence. For important uncertain things, sometimes developing the theoretical framework is more neglected.“
Bella bit back her scathing criticism of this point and its overly complicated phrasing (to be released later as a 10k-word EA Forum post), and instead said in a purring voice: „Oh yeah that’s a really interesting point. I’d love to discuss the epistemic status of that and I imagine this to be even more effective while benefiting from stress-relieving hormones of the type produced for example by...cuddling!“
„I could then also tell you some of my hot takes“, she added.
Not able to resist at the mention of hot takes, Draco nodded overenthusiastically.
„Where do you want to do it?“, the EA minority asked.
„Idk...“, Draco said, „We could look at all the possibilites and then come to an informed decision?“
„That doesn’t sound efficient“, she noted
„But very effective.“, he noted.
They shared a knowing laugh.
Then they started walking around the castle.
After 5 hours they were overcome by decision fatigue (it was a big workshop facility, but still sooooo much cheaper than renting a place) and decided to just build a bed out of the cozy soft cover copies of Doing Good Better.
They cuddled.
Then 3 minutes in they got into a heated discussion about the role of empiricism in cause prioritisation.
„Okay, I need to refer to my Obsidian notes“, Draco said, right about to pull out his Macbook.
Suddenly Bella stiffened in his arms.
Draco, despite his obliviousness, noticed this. „What’s wrong?“
Bella said nothing, staring off into space. A silent single tear rolled down her cheek.
„Bella?“
„I ... I...I thought there could have been something here“, Bella whispered desperately.
„Oh no“, Draco said in growing realization. „Do you - do you use ...“ He couldn’t even say the word.
„I use Notion.“, Bella said, grave as a funeral grave.
Draco pulled back abruptly, almost dislocating her right arm in the process, and stared at her in horror from across the room.
Divided by their irreconcilable ways of life, they each sat in silence in their own corner of the ball room.
After yet some more time (which felt like hours but really was probably more like days) there was a quiet squeak in the darkness.
It sounded sth like ‚Pimps in Ho Chi Minh.‘
„What?“, Bella asked.
Draco cleared his throat. „Shrimps on heroin!“
Bella was confused, understandably (also it was honestly hard to hear due to the size of the room).
„Maybe we can overcome our differences after all.
„Maybe we can overcome our differences after all.“, Draco stammered, „Maybe this is the perfect opportunity to practice moral circle expansion! If I can care about shrimp, maybe I can learn to care about you“
„Oh Draco!“ Bella exclaimed, running right into his pale programmer’s arms.
In the middle of the passionate hug Draco remembers where he’s seen this rare combination of stunning reasoning capabilities and a cliché fanfiction name before –
it was in a recent funding application for a 1.000.000$ community building project he had received!
A vague feeling of conflict of interest bubbled up into his conscious awareness for a fraction of a second, but was swiftly deprioritised in favour of the affair at hand.
„Care for a 1-on-1? ;)“ he said, pulling her closer.
Then they fucked.
(effectively)
——The end——
This is hilarious. Probably the funniest piece of art I've read in so long. This author deserves funding, so much. Lol.
Also, I see myself here.
fuck should have commented w this account