TL;DR If you are thinking about suicide, please talk to someone. It works. (call or text 988 in the USA)
I have had suicidal ideation several times in my life, and I also worked as a crisis counselor on a hotline. I have seen the results firsthand. There is enormous value in being open, honest, and vulnerable with another human being, and having them show up with acceptance, compassion, and kindness.
I’ve been meaning to write this for a year since I learned that EA Anywhere founder Marisa took her own life. I appreciate Draft Amnesty Week which allowed me to finally press Publish.
There are many reasons you might feel like your life isn’t worth living anymore. For me, I had been severely depressed for a while, and I had no hope it would get better. I didn’t want to die, per se; I just wanted the chronic pain to go away. I have a lot of empathy for people who use drugs to self-medicate, though I never did.
A common symptom is a feeling of disconnection. Feelings of worthlessness, being a burden, being embarrassed or ashamed, feeling that you cannot share your truth with others for fear of judgment, rebuke, ostracism, violence, or similar. We are social creatures. We need love and belonging. I’m deeply sorry if you feel you do not have that. But reaching out to people who are there to help is the first step.
I’ve learned there are two kinds of people in the world: those who can have a conversation involving difficult emotions in a supportive, connecting way, and those who cannot.
Younger me didn’t know such people existed. I had a very narrow worldview and grew up in a family where we didn’t manage our emotions healthily. I thought the rest of the world was either faking it like we were, or maybe there were families out there with functional relationship skills. But how would they even relate to my situation and even if they did, why would they want to help me?
Speaking as a trained crisis counselor, people on those lines absolutely want to talk to you. You are not a burden. They signed up specifically to talk to people in your situation. You are not taking resources away from others who need it more. EA believes that every human on the planet deserves health and happiness. That includes you.
Please try journaling If you’re not yet ready to open up to someone. You can type on your computer, write it out longhand, or even use a transcription app. Many people (myself included) find it very therapeutic to get thoughts out of my head and into the world. It’s also a great way to practice what you might say when you do talk to someone.
My depression was—in part—a symptom of repressing my emotions (especially anger). I worked with a therapist for years on fixing my alexithymia (inability to recognize and label emotions) and learning healthy ways to feel, regulate, and express the full rainbow of human emotions. If this is work you need to do too, please know that it is possible to do. It’s not easy, but the only way through it is to confront it head-on, in a timeline that works for you.
If you open up to someone and it doesn’t click, it’s not your fault. Please do not give up. Reach out to someone else. Hang up and try again. Try a different resource. I know that the energy required to get help can be enormous, and every setback can feel insurmountable. Just know that there is always another option. When I was at my worst, my therapist insisted I go check out a local in-person support group. He wanted me to foster a diversity of support in my life, and it worked. I still go to support group meetings to this day, at least weekly.
MentNav has a list of therapists and coaches who understand EA values if you want someone who will grok you when you talk about existential risk or scrupulosity. But don’t limit yourself. There are many more people out there than you likely realize (mentors, peers, family , friends…) who can step up and be a compassionate witness to your humanity if you are brave and feel them out with a question like “I’m struggling right now. Do you have time to talk?”
Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary situation. In EA we take the long view. I invite you to consider what your life could be like in a week, a month, a year, a decade, or even a lifetime. How much good could you do with all that additional time after you get the help you need and deserve? Put on your oxygen mask first; Then help others.
You are not alone. You matter. There are people who want to help. Please, let them. ❤️
Okay, real talk now, I know I have been an asshole on this forum, but now I will speak from my heart.
I wanted to kill myself as early as 10, I still do, I can't stand how miserable life is at times, and how everything I touch turns to shit. Literally, give me a grand, and bet against me on the stock market.
No matter how much I try, how much I do, nothing turns out good, everything is shit, I have the midas-touch of shit. In the past year I can't remember a single good thing happening to me, it's all pain (some of it chronic) and misery.
To end on a positive note, the fact why I am still here is not some greater purpose or hope for a better tomorrow. I am here because I enjoy the birds and the wilderness walks. I have owls in my local park, and I can hear them regularly, I like how crows sound, pigeons, sometimes I even see the bats dance around in the late night.
I appreciate you being so honest here, N.I. The small beauties of nature can indeed help ground us in the world. I'm reminded of:
And:
Noticing and savoring the small pleasures of life is a skill. I invite you to keep practicing it. ❤️
One more thing. Robin Dunbar—biological anthropologist and evolutionary psychologist —noted in his book Friends:
I invite you to engage in one or more of these activities with others. I personally go to stand-up comedy shows, listen to The Moth radio hour and audiobooks, and sing in a community choir. It all helps keep my demons at bay.
I do feel called to address the big story (that’s also usually what makes me sad and worn out), but, like you, what really brings me back is little stuff like a beautiful flower or seeing a hummingbird.
Clearer thinking has a good mini course on this topic: https://www.clearerthinking.org/post/things-you-should-know-about-suicide
I 100% encourage you to make use of more timely resources. But you can reach out to me via the Forum messaging system or the contact info on my website, and I'll get back to you as soon as I can ❤️
This is a beautiful piece of writing, thanks for telling your story and the work you do. I'm reminded of a quote by ZeFrank:
I think this line is especially important:
It must be difficult given the narrow perspective you outline to realise this, but I think it's really important to understand—not all others are merely transactional, human connection has a value of its own.
Again, lovely, important piece.
Thanks for sharing this. I assume you were struggling with suicidal ideation before becoming a counsellor? I would hate to think that counselling was a factor, but could believe in such a pipeline. How was the quality of your training for counselling? Do you think it prepared you well for the worst situation you found yourself in? I ask because my ex had a bad experience with counselling, but she would have been in the very challenging cohort. Do you have any opinions on using LLM's for therapeutic conversations on these matters?
Yes, I went to therapy in earnest for 9 years. In my last year—once I was doing much better—I was certified as a crisis counselor (Crisis Text Line). I did that for a year before moving on to professional coaching. I still have an account on 7 Cups and sign in to have conversations from time to time.
The training was excellent. I recommend everyone take similar training: mental health first aid, compassionate listening, crisis counseling, peer support… It can help you support others, but also give you more context on the kind of support you might need and receive.
I have had bad experiences with therapists, and I've heard even worse stories. My advice: don't take it personally, don't dwell on it, and move forward to finding someone supportive.
LLMs can be helpful but they should only be used as supplemental resources. Ultimately the foundational skill I learned in therapy is how to have an honest, vulnerable, face-to-face conversation with another human being. It was relationship skills training. I don't believe LLMs are currently capable of giving that same experience.
Here's a story about a Japanese Buddhist monk who dedicated his life to suicide prevention: https://tricycle.org/magazine/ittetsu-nemoto/