I want to share a deeply personal and painful journey I've had with the EA movement. It’s not an easy story to tell, but I believe there's value in presenting this side of the coin. I really want to protect my anonymity, so I'd ask you to please be respectful of my wish and to not reach out to me.
Not so long ago, I became wholeheartedly committed to the EA cause. I left a good job after receiving funding to pursue work that resonated with the movement's principles. My belief was so strong that I relocated to another city, eager to make a meaningful impact. A lot of promises were made. A lot of enthusiasm surrounded EA future.
Then, the unexpected: my main source of funding collapsed. With its downfall, my life spiraled. I felt deserted by the very community I'd given so much to. Nobody reached out; nobody seemed to care. It was a profound isolation I had never anticipated.
This experience plunged me into a severe major depressive episode, one so grave I've grappled with all sorts of dark thoughts. I've now sought treatment for this, but every day is a struggle. For years, I sidelined personal pursuits, including forming meaningful personal and romantic relationships outside the movement, dedicating myself to issues like the potential AI apocalypse and other matters that now seem distant and abstract, when compared to the day-to-day struggles of non-Anglo-American privileged and gifted youngsters. In prioritizing these concerns, I lost sight of the spontaneous, daily realities that give life its texture and meaning.
My experience has also left me deeply disillusioned with EA's principles and strategies. I've become nihilistic, doubting if the movement's approach to the world, as noble as it might seem, is genuinely grounded in reality. There's a detachment I've observed, where some of the most crucial elements of our shared human experience, like the importance of spontaneous everyday moments, seem to get lost.
In sharing this, my hope isn't to condemn or vilify the EA movement but to highlight the dangers of over-commitment and the risk of losing oneself in a cause. While it’s commendable to be passionate, it's essential to remember our humanity, the very thing we’re trying to help and protect.
A quick and impulsive comment.
I am very sorry that this happened to you. I had a somewhat similar experience of disillusion and depression a few years ago. I eventually realised that it was because my life was deeply imbalanced at that time: I focused on and valued work too much and I didn't prioritise my wellbeing and happiness sufficiently.
Five years later, I feel happier and more productive that I have ever been. I now feel that I needed my burnout to see the error of my ways and develop a better mentality and lifestyle (although I wish it were not the case). I hope that this event will eventually have a similarly positive outcome for you (although I recognise that it may not). I wish you all the best regardless.
I will also mention that I do think that many EAs could often do more to care for and look out for each other.
I definitely felt for sometime that if I were not impactful for some reason, like poor mental health, no-one would take much if any time to look out for me. I worried that it wouldn't seem high value enough for my colleagues who already had so much important work to do. I don't feel this way about my friends in community now, which makes me feel much better.
I think that having a strong sense of social support and security is probably more important than many people in the community realise. It is hard to work comfortably with people if you feel that their care for you is (nearly) entirely conditional on you sharing their values and delivering 'impact'. It is also easy to mistake that sort of collaboration for friendship and I think that this is a common mistake.